Three Tricky Questions About Trust

Three Tricky Questions About Trust

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I am intentionally breaking into my series on Body Language to write about my core material on trust because a new Podcast Interview has just been released that contains some vital information about trust. The interview is with Andrew Brady, CEO of the XLR8 Team and author of an upcoming book, “For the ƎVO⅃ution of Business.”

In my leadership classes, I often like to pose 3 challenging questions about the nature of trust.

As people grapple with the questions, it helps them sort out for themselves a deeper meaning of the words and how they might be applied in their own world. The three questions are:

• What is the relationship between trust and vulnerability?
• Can you trust someone you fear?
• Can you respect someone you do not trust, and can you trust someone you do not respect?

I have spent a lot of time bouncing these questions around in my head. I am not convinced that I have found the correct answers (or even that correct answers exist). I have had to clarify in my own mind the exact meanings of the words trust, vulnerability, fear, and respect.

Before you read this article further, stop here and ponder the three questions for yourself. See if you can come to some answers that might be operational for you.

Thinking about these concepts, makes them become more powerful for us. I urge you to pose the three questions (without giving your own answers) to people in your work group. Then have a quality discussion about the possible answers. You will find it is a refreshing and deep conversation to have.
Here are my answers (subject to change in the future as I grow in understanding):

1. What is the relationship between trust and vulnerability?

Trust implies vulnerability. When you trust another person, there is always a chance that the person will disappoint you. Ironically, it is the extension of your trust that drives a reciprocal enhancement of the other person’s trust in you. If you are a leader and you want people in your organization to trust you more, one way to achieve that is to show more trust in them.

That is a very challenging concept for many managers and leaders. They sincerely want to gain more trust, but find it hard to extend higher trust to others. As Abraham Lincoln once said, “It is better to trust and be disappointed every once in a while than to not trust and be miserable all the time.”

2. Can you trust someone you fear?

Fear and trust are nearly opposites. I believe trust cannot kindle in an organization when there is fear, so one way to gain more trust is to create an environment with less fear. In the vast majority of cases, trust and lack of fear go together.

The question I posed is whether trust and fear can ever exist at the same time. I think it is possible to trust someone you fear. That thought is derived from how I define trust.

My favorite definition is that if I trust you, I believe you will always do what you believe is in my best interest – even if I don’t appreciate it at the time. Based on that logic, I can trust someone even if I am afraid of what she might do as long as I believe she is acting in my best interest.

For example, I may be afraid of my boss because I believe she is going to give me a demotion and suggest I get some training on how to get along with people better. I am afraid of her because of the action she will take, while on some level I am trusting her to do what she believes is right for me.

Let’s look at another example. Suppose your supervisor is a bully who yells at people when they do not do things to his standards. You do not appreciate the abuse and are fearful every time you interact with him. You do trust him because he has kept the company afloat during some difficult times and has never missed a payroll, but you do not like his tactics.

3. Can you respect someone you do not trust & can you trust someone you do not respect?

This one gets pretty complicated. In most situations trust and respect go hand in hand. That is easy to explain and understand. But is it possible to conjure up a situation where you can respect someone you do not yet trust? Sure, we do this all the time.

We respect people for the things they have achieved or the position they have reached. We respect many people we have not even met. For example, I respect Nelson Mandela, but I have no basis yet to trust him, even though I have a predisposition to trust him based on his reputation.

Another example is a new boss. I respect her for the position and the ability to hold a job that has the power to offer me employment. I probably do not trust her immediately. I will wait to see if my respect forms the foundation on which trust grows based on her actions over time.

If someone has let me down in the past, and I have lost respect for that person, then there is no basis for trust at all. This goes to the second part of the question: Can you trust someone you do not respect?

I find it difficult to think of a single example where I can trust someone that I do not respect. That is because respect is the basis on which trust is built. If I do not respect an individual, I believe it is impossible for me to trust her. Therefore, respect becomes an enabler of trust, and trust is the higher order phenomenon. You first have to respect a person, then go to work on building trust.

People use the words trust, fear, respect, and vulnerability freely every day. It is rare that they stop and think about the relationships between the concepts. Thinking about and discussing these ideas ensures that communication has a common ground for understanding, so take some time in your work group to wrestle with these questions.

 

42 Inspiring Quotes That Demonstrate the Importance of Emotional Intelligence

https://www.inc.com/jeremy-goldman/x-inspiring-quotes-that-demonstrate-importance-of-emotional-intelligence.html?cid=nl029week09day01&utm_source=newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Inc%20Must%20Reads&position=1&partner=newsletter&campaign_date=01032018

EQ is often cited as the difference between winners and losers. Use these quotes to up your game.

As far as I know, my MBA program didn’t teach any classes in emotional intelligence. While I got a solid education, I can’t help but think that I might have been served better by taking a course or two in EQ. After all, study after study has shown that emotional intelligence is the different between a successful CEO and an also-ran.

Here are some of the best quotes to inspire you to become a more emotionally intelligent leader:

  1. The only way to change someone’s mind is to connect with them from the heart.
    -Rasheed Ogunlaru
  2. Before you are a leader, success is all about growing yourself. When you become a leader, success is all about growing others. -Jack Welch
  3. In my 35 years in business, I have always trusted my emotions. I have always believed that by touching emotion you get the best people to work with you, the best clients to inspire you, the best partners and most devoted customers.
    -Kevin Roberts
  4. When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures of emotion. -Dale Carnegie
  5. When our emotional health is in a bad state, so is our level of self-esteem. We have to slow down and deal with what is troubling us, so that we can enjoy the simple joy of being happy and at peace with ourselves. -Jess C. Scott
  6. No one cares how much you know, until they know how much you care.
    -Theodore Roosevelt
  7. Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business. -Norman Vincent Peale
  8. When you listen with empathy to another person, you give that person psychological air. -Stephen R. Covey
  9. Tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness and despair, but manifestations of strength and resolution. -Kahlil Gibran
  10.  Remember that failure is an event, not a person. -Zig Ziglar
  11. Unleash in the right time and place before you explode at the wrong time and place. -Oli Anderson
  12. Emotional intelligent people use self-awareness to their advantage to assess a situation, get perspective, listen without judgment, process, and hold back from reacting head on. At times, it means the decision to sit on your decision. By thinking over your situation rationally, without drama, you’ll eventually arrive at other, more sane conclusions. –Marcel Schwantes
  13. It takes something more than intelligence to act intelligently. -Fyodor Dostoyevsky
  14. People with high EQs master their emotions because they understand them, and they use an extensive vocabulary of feelings to do so. –Travis Bradberry
  15. The greatest ability in business is to get along with others and influence their actions. -John Hancock
  16. Any person capable of angering you becomes your master. -Epictetus
  17. Every time we allow someone to move us with anger, we teach them to be angry.  -Barry Neil Kaufman
  18. Maturity is achieved when a person postpones immediate pleasures for long-term values. -Joshua L. Liebman
  19. Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. -Leo Buscaglia
  20. Emotions can get in the way or get you on the way. -Mavis Mazhura
  21. Experience is not what happens to you–it’s how you interpret what happens to you. -Aldous Huxley
  22. Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can’t lose. -Bill Gates
  23. Don’t let the baggage from your past–heavy with fear, guilt, and anger–slow you down.  -Maddy Malhotra
  24. Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. -Charles J. Sykes
  25. It isn’t stress that makes us fall–it’s how we respond to stressful events.
    -Wayde Goodall
  26. Whatever is begun in anger, ends in shame. -Benjamin Franklin
  27. Pausing helps you refrain from making a permanent decision based on a temporary emotion. –Justin Bariso
  28. No doubt emotional intelligence is more rare than book smarts, but my experience says it is actually more important in the making of a leader. You just can’t ignore it. -Jack Welch
  29. Quick to judge, quick to anger, slow to understand … prejudice, fear, and ignorance walk hand in hand. -Peart
  30. Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity or registering wrongs. -Charlotte Brontë
  31. The essential difference between emotion and reason is that emotion leads to action while reason leads to conclusions. -Donald Calne
  32. Change happens in the boiler room of our emotions–so find out how to light their fires. -Jeff Dewar
  33. If your emotional abilities aren’t in hand, if you don’t have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can’t have empathy and have effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get very far. -Daniel Goleman
  34. Don’t compromise yourself. You’re all you’ve got.  -Janis Joplin
  35. Wisdom tends to grow in proportion to one’s awareness of one’s ignorance.
    -Anthony de Mello
  36. The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.
    -Carl R. Rogers
  37. I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing. -Socrates
  38. If we can’t laugh at ourselves, do we have the right to laugh at others? -C.H. Hamel
  39. We are at our most powerful the moment we no longer need to be powerful. -Eric Micha’el Leventhal
  40. When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen. -Ernest Hemingway
  41. Whenever you feel like criticizing anyone … just remember that all the people in this world haven’t had the advantages that you’ve had. -F. Scott Fitzgerald
  42. Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate. -C.G. Jung

What’s your favorite quote about emotional intelligence that needs to be added to this list? What inspires you to develop your EQ further on an ongoing basis?

NEW QUESTIONS FOR LEADERSHIP TIPPING POINTS

New Questions for Leadership Tipping Points

The opportunity and ability to step into a tipping point makes us feel responsible, powerful, and apprehensive.

Every decision both responds to and creates a tipping point.

New questions for leadership tipping points:

Ease:

The pursuit of ease makes you matter less.

Ease in small doses expands capacity, but in large doses destroys us.

  1. How might this decision challenge you in new ways?
  2. How might new challenges become personal growth points?

Please know that I’m not encouraging workaholism. However, making a difference requires getting your hands dirty.

Direction:

Every decision contributes to trajectory.

The consequence of decisions is real direction, not intended direction. You’re always heading somewhere.

  1. How does this decision reflect a “running toward” attitude, rather than running away?
  2. What are you running toward?

Long-term or short-term:

The appeal of short-term perspectives is immediate gratification, sometimes at the expense of long-term value.

Crisis requires short-term perspective. Put the fire out! But constant “crisis mode” sacrifices the future on the altar of urgency.

  1. How does making this decision reflect a long-term perspective?
  2. How does making this decision reflect a short-term perspective?

Relationships:

Life is relationships, nothing more, nothing less.

  1. What new relationships might result from making this decision?
  2. How does this decision impact current relationships?
  3. How might new relationships expand capacity and/or capability?

Service:

Tipping points include opportunities to both receive and give value.

  1. What new opportunities for service are available?
  2. How might your strengths find new expressions?

5 general questions:

  1. How does making this decision reflect a commitment to something greater?
  2. How are you expressing your best self?
  3. How are you expressing the self you hope to become?
  4. How much of this decision is motivated by fear?
  5. How much of this decision is motivated by dissatisfaction?

What questions might leaders ask when facing tipping points?

The Threat From A New And Growing Anxiety In The United States Today: A Physician’s Perspective

http://www.forbes.com/sites/robertpearl/2017/02/16/the-threat-from-a-new-and-growing-anxiety-in-the-united-states-today-a-physicians-perspective/#7ce8667f6a92

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This week I heard from a student in her third year of medical school. To date, she has borrowed more than $100,000 to fund her education. She is in the top 10% of her class, with honors in all of her subjects and high scores on her national exams. She would be a valued resident in the most competitive specialty training programs. Her goal is to become a primary care physician and offer her expertise to a diverse set of patients, leveraging the multiple languages she speaks fluently. But because she was born in a Middle Eastern country, she has a problem.

She wrote to me that she suddenly faces uncertainty about her status in the U.S. and about the possibility she will be forced to leave without completing her final year of medical school. Were that to happen, she would have wasted the time and the money she has already had invested. She accepted the reality that as someone from another nation, she would need to be exceptional to fulfill her dream. But now she worries that she could be required to leave no matter how well she performs.

And the same is true for nurses, laboratory technicians and doctors born in other countries but already established in practice in the U.S. The rules they will need to live by in the future are unclear and ever-changing. Which countries will be impacted? Will the requirements to leave apply to individuals on student visas and green cards and even to naturalized citizens?


How Anxiety Is Eclipsing Fear

Imagine how you would feel going to sleep at night worried about what you will read in the newspaper the next morning. Everything you value is at risk, including your health.

 

Ethical Leadership is a “Fear-Free” Zone

Ethical Leadership is a “Fear-Free” Zone

Fear is insidious. It changes how we see the world and how we treat others. Here are 5 important reasons why fear has no place in our workplaces, our families or our communities:

5 Reasons Fear Has No Place in Leadership

  1. Fear creates a dampening field that blocks positive interpersonal behavior including respect and care
  2. Fear-inducing relationships are damaging to human health
  3. When they are fearful, people spend time trying to protect themselves rather than reaching for their potential, and that reduces job satisfaction and productivity
  4. The damaged job satisfaction and productivity that are common in fear-based relationships translate into damaged organizational results
  5. Fear leads to unethical choices about people who are not like us

What FDR Knew About Managing Fear in Times of Change

https://hbr.org/2016/05/what-fdr-knew-about-managing-fear-in-times-of-change?utm_campaign=HBR&utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=social

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http://www.history.com/topics/us-presidents/franklin-d-roosevelt/videos/inaugural-address-franklin-d-roosevelt

 

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